Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
