my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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