This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
