I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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