i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
