I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I need to stop coming to work sober
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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