The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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