if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
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