watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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