I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
