Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
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