remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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