cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
