i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize