Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
