I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Randomize
