There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I need to calm my uterus...
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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