i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
