saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Randomize