Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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