you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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