I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
