she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
