The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
