how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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