Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
