YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
