Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
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