I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I have post one night stand depression
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