party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
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