She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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