I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
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