The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Randomize
