When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
