I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize