so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
