I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
