i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
