I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
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