I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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