I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
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