My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Randomize
