how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
