Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
