I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
She bit a glass in half.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
