I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
