So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
