today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
