There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
