if i can run in heels then i can drive
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Randomize
