I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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