Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
