My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
