True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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