His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
