Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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