1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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