On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
