I forgot how hot balto sounded
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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