Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
