I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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